Fathers and Father Figures

Fathers Day is one that usually comes and goes for me with out even rating a blip on my radar. As many of my friends know, my own father died when I was 5, and two months shy of my 6th birthday. It left a void to be sure, because in the few years I had with him, he was an awesome dad. I don’t remember him ever yelling or getting fired up about anything. I only remember him being funny, handsome, and the best baseball player I had ever seen. It took Mike Schmidt a long time to surpass Abe Homsher on the diamond, in my opinion.

In retrospect, I learned along the the way without a dad, you’re lucky if you find a father figure to help you keep your shit together, but it’s not something you can create, it has to just happen. So even though in Boy Scouts they would assign me a “father” for mandatory father-son events, that unsurprisingly didn’t create one.

I had an uncle that I loved dearly and who was the family patriarch, but I never saw him as a father figure either, he was just an awesome uncle. He would take us to baseball games give advice when asked and was truly hilarious when he would bait my mother the way only a younger brother can do to a big sister. I still miss him and expect to see him pop up at family functions 20+ years later.

Funny thing about life though, is that until I looked at the replay, as it were, I didn’t realize how the time I needed a father the most, is when one appeared in about the most round about way possible. My sister had secured a babysitting job over the summer for a wonderful young couple with two young children. I got to know them too and would fill in watching the kids if my sister was busy, and though I never would’ve guessed it, this guy became what I needed, exactly when I needed it.

Steven Patrizio was cool. He had everything, a beautiful wife and daughters, great house, fast car, and an excess of cash and self confidence. Or pretty much everything a drifting 14 year old had none of. Steve was brilliant young defense attorney that was already known in Philadelphia for taking no-win cases, and actually winning them. All this and he still wasn’t 30. He was also the product of an affectionate Italian family, and no offense to my dear Irish mother, but she was not outwardly affectionate. You’d show up at Steve’s place and you were getting hugs from the whole house, and it was great!

Why he took to me, I’m not sure. Maybe because he had an older brother who showed him the ropes, maybe because he knew I lacked guidance, whatever, he quickly became someone I could ask about any subject and get advice that helped a kid become an adult and lasted a lifetime too. Steve also could sense when he needed to talk to me and find out what was going through my semi empty/tormented teenage head. He never talked down to me, but wasn’t shy about standing me up and calling me on my bullshit. When I wanted to sulk and lament what I didn’t have, he told me in great detail what I did have. When I would’ve been too proud to attend community college because all my friends were going to “real colleges” and would’ve gone down a bad road, he was the person to check my ego and get me to enroll at Community College, a decision hat changed my life for the better.

So here comes Fathers Day 2015, and once again it was about to sail past with out too much thought, until it was brought to my attention that I have become to someone else, what Steve was to me. I was vaguely aware that two of the young brothers who work for my wife seem to emulate me and spend a lot of time hanging out with our family, but even though my wife has told me how much they love being around me, I kind of dismissed it as them being polite… Till this morning, when they were waiting for me early befor I left for work with some little presents they bought for me for Father’s Day. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. The gifts, while simple, might as well have been made of solid gold, because the fact that they took time out to think about me was really touching.

I suppose that means through luck or design, I have managed to become a “second father” to these two brothers and the circle continues, as I give them advice, or just spend some time with them. I left a message for Steve today as I always do on Fathers Day to thank him and check in, and to let him know it’s now my chance to happily do for someone else what he did for me all those years ago. So whether it’s your father, step father, or father figure, show them some love today and don’t forget to say thanks for all their contributions no matter how large or how small to making to the person you are today.

Live Kind

Sean

The Kindest Profession

What is the kindest profession? I know about the most dangerous (Alaskan Crab Fisherman), the most reviled (petroleum industry lobbyist), most lucrative (Fortune 500 CEO), even the oldest (farming… [farming isn’t the oldest? Come on now. Hunter/gatherer was a necessity, but farming was chosen. It was the basis of a civilization. It was… Really, that was the oldest??? I mean I suppose it doesn’t require tools like farming did, which is true. And I guess you might build a structure around your work space, which would lead to more structures, and eventually a village or city, an economy based in building or servicing that village or city, manufacturing of sorts some sorts, Farmers would then emerge seeing a need to sell or barter their extra grain, or items harvested to people in line who were too busy waiting to work for themselves, and of course the workers themselves…  Okay, I’m sold. Prostitution it is]), but what is the kindest profession?

Recently, My wife and I were helping her cousin and her family, as they wittnessed her elderly Aunt “transition” through the end of her life at a local hospital.

“Transition” is a great euphemism isn’t it? It implies filling out some paperwork with the nice person from HR who knows exactly what to write on every line, (don’t forget to rollover your heavenly 401K) and a smooth sterile jump from one place of work to another. Someone else even handles getting the movers for you. Sweet!

Those of us who’ve been through it know it’s not “transition”, it’s “dying”. It’s not sterile, it’s watching a loved one in a critical state, covered in sensors and filled with tubes to respirate, eliminate, and medicate. It’s a raw, painful, visceral experience. Most of us who’ve been through it, still don’t know exactly what to say, but we hope just by showing up we provide some relief and support, hence our presence.

Looking around the room, it was a scene of profound grief. A husband of 64 years trying to say good-bye to half of himself. A daughter who was as close to her mother, as close could be. A son-in-law who had lost his own mother at a very young age, and in her, found a mother he knew for 40 years with never a cross word between them. Three grandchildren who loved and adored her were also there, along with her niece and myself, who enjoyed our regular visits and dinners, as a link to a time gone by, when families lived near each other and got together at every opportunity.

By nature I’m an observer. I like to be able to study something and find meaning, if only so I can create a sense of order, which might make sense only to me.  And as I watched a small hospital room in ICU for the better part of 12 hours, over two days, it became clear who knew what to say, or when to remain silent and place a simple touch on someone’s shoulder, or give them permission to let down their guard and just feel every precious moment they had left with their loved one. The under rated stars of this healthcare team were the nurses.

This didn’t come to me in this instant though, as I myself had a long history from about 7  to 17 years old, of first hand experience with health care workers and being sick. Really sick, like “I have had Last Rites more than once” sick.  You know you’re F’d blue when you see the priest whipping out the oil to anoint you,  while talking about Alpha & Omega, your mom is crying, and you have that little voice telling you, “Hey Skip, I’m not sure what you think you’re doing here, but what you are doing here, is dying. So if you want to let go and die, do it. Otherwise start living, right now”. So in my day, I have seen a lot more health care professionals than I ever cared too. I had nurses who would come in and read a book with me when I was little, or visit with me when I was older and they knew I was feeling down. They were a critical part of me turning it around.

As I observed what they were doing, with my wife’s aunt, I began doing the math and realized we appreciate nurses on a lot of levels, but in my opinion, we miss the area they really excel in, which is kindness and compassion. Are they technicians and managers? Do they perform the jobs that I can’t imagine doing, like wound care, bed pans and vomit trays? Yes to all, but those are jobs anyone can be taught. The inherent respect for humanity and the ability to administer emotional medicine and keep it together themselves, while everyone else in the room is losing theirs is what sets them apart.

Having family surrounding a dying relative is great for the person dying, not so much for the family, because it’s invariably uncharted territory for most people. However, you need another person to be above the emotional tempest and calm the seas, because those oceans are roiling, and they should be when you’re saying goodbye to a loved one. I watched how the different nurses would just poke their heads in to check and make sure her aunt looked comfortable, or talk to her like she was still in charge of her body (which I believe she was), or the nurse that carefully traced her aunt’s hands on a piece of foam, then measured out a length of yarn from hand to hand across her body, tying it all together so her husband could still have her hands around him. Do they teach that in schools? Maybe, but only a kind and compassionate person knows when to employ it to ease suffering. Do that at the wrong time, and it’s a cheap party trick that helps no one, and looks bad to boot.

When you meet a nurse, thank them. And not just the perfunctory, “oh you’re a nurse? That’s cool, my aunt was a nurse and she was really sweet.” Put some thought and effort into it. Thank them for the people they already helped and the people they will someday help, thank them for bringing a keg of empathy and compassion to work every day, and not leaving till they shared a draught with everyone, thank them for fixing our heads, hearts and fragile neurons, but mostly, thank them for being kind & caring people who still give us their best, day in and day out, even though they’re often seeing us at our worst.

 

 

 

 

Time Traveling, Kind Traveling

Yesterday and today I went time traveling and it was everything I thought it could be. Time travel it turns out is surprisingly easy. You don’t need Superman flying faster than the speed of light, all you need to start is some bad Phillies Baseball and the rest happens by itself.

The Phillies baseball isn’t mandatory for time travel, but last night it was the catalyst to help propel me. When I sit in Citizens Bank Ballpark before a game and they’re prepping the field, the scent of the fresh cut grass alone takes me back to my childhood summers in Maine, which is my personal happy place, but I digress. This post is about time traveling and kind traveling, we got some science and love to discuss here, Northeast Harbor can wait for another day.

Seeing the once mighty Phillies get beaten like red headed step children by the Dodgers rocketed me right to 1977 when they always beat the Phillies. It didn’t matter who was in the lineup, you knew the Phills were going to find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, and last night they took a good performance from a dominating left handed pitcher and did zippo with it. Like I said, “hello 1977”, but time travel isn’t perfected yet so there are times when you can hit the right year, but not the right place. These bugs can be worked out.

Anyway, you’re probably asking where the Kindness comes in, and here it is. Right after the game I met up with one of my oldest and closest friends whom I hadn’t seen in 10 years, and BAM! I was transported thirty-two years into the past where the laughs and the bonds were as strong as they’d ever been.

We talked about the odds we’d be productive members of society (50-50 at best), insanely bad decisions (alcohol, cars, trains, and a lots of law enforcement), incredibly lucky breaks (coincidentally, more alcohol, cars, trains and slow footed law enforcement), and how cool and easy time travel is. The best part of time traveling back though, was to realize those 11687 days only made the bond stronger. You know you made it. Those chapters that were full of questions and suspense, “will she say yes, what about his promotion, will we ever finish school?…
Hey Sweeps we made it this far. The story is far from over, but we made it past a lot of the scary stuff, and when you kick back with the beverage of your choice, an old friend and some time travel, you realize John Lennon was right, All You Need Is Love”. You’d think time travel would be exhausting, but It’s such a treat for the soul, that it fills you with good feelings every time you think about it. Your body is cranking out Imunoglobbin A, building anti-bodies, probably even kicking out a few endorphins, because it’s one of the kindest acts you can do for yourself, thus “helpers high” is coming your way with a bag of Dorito’s. Woo Hoo!!

So Time travel back in time was great, how about the future? I did that too, BOOM! You can do it too. I was lucky enough to go to a wedding of wonderful girl who’s like family to my wife and I. She’s been there for us, and we for her. We’ve known her through ups and downs, and witnessed her in dark moments you want to rescue her from, but you couldn’t. You could only sit there in the moment knowing that someday, love would rule the day, but not then, not there. That story was scare-ree, but today seeing her wed her soul mate was seeing the future, and the fact that the future worked out after all, is another treat for the soul. And let me tell you, you get a day of happy hugs, that’s kindness on a galactic scale, as befits a time traveler.

Like John Lennon sung, “Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.” So Time travel baby!

Pick up that phone and call a friend, or a relative you haven’t talked to in a while. Hit someone on Facebook and make plans to re-acquaint. Treat your soul to some love and go time traveling.

Show Your Love!

Here we are with Valentines Day upon us and as I peruse the blogosphere, I see a lot of blogs about how to get through the day… Through the day. Through the day? Through. The. Day. I shudder when I see that.

I know there are people who may not have a significant other, but we have a day where we celebrate the most powerful experience a human can have, and there are folks out there who just want to get through it in one piece, unscathed. I get it. There was a time in my life when things would have had to get better before they could suck, but one of the lessons I took from those days was that every day, the world offered me many opportunities to feel good and see the good around me. It was me who chose to see who I wasn’t with, who I wasn’t dating, and who would never go out with me. I’m not sure when I realized that dressing up with a chip on my shoulder, a scowl on my face and customized black cloud wasn’t going to bring me what I craved, but at some point with box full of Tony Robbins tapes to guide me, I started to figure things out.

The world, it turned out, was a pretty spectacular place. I mean, let’s start with nature? No matter where I went, if I only thought about the power of nature, I was in a better mood. I could be in the middle of a city, look down, see a weed growing through a sidewalk and I was amazed. And a funny thing happened when I was done noticing nature. I began to notice people. I really looked at them for the first time ever. People are incredible. As the Tom and Ray Magliozzi, The boys from “Car Talk” would say, We have one make, two models. But the variety on those two models is flat out, off the charts beautiful. Beautiful in a way that you have to appreciate watching a woman walking on two feet in high heeled shoes. How does she do that with out taking a header on every single step? Or picking things up with your hand. Examining the dexterity to pick up a a car key and place it in a lock, or a heavy bundle of newspapers was like watching someone split the atom.

How could I look at these beautiful, marvelous creations and not light up like a Christmas tree? I found that as I first had appreciation and awe for people, followed by love for them, (Spoiler Alert, moment of clarity coming…NOW!) They were nicer, friendlier. For Christ’s sake, George H.W. Bush got elected on seeing a mystical “thousand points of light” and a kinder gentler nation, right before he went to war with Iraq.

Myself, I was probably still an emotional disaster and not ready for a significant other at that point, but the world I lived in saw I was getting better in spite of that, because I was willing to show it some love. So I know it can be tough, but rather than suffering through it, be amazed at people. Feel their differences from you and their similarities with you. Smile at people you don’t know, say “Hi” to a stranger, notice something and compliment it.

Love Rules the day today. Show Your Love to everyone and everything because It’s Valentines day. Show your Love because everyone has it to give with out running out, and everyone needs it to feel like a complete human. Show your love because your smile, or friendly word may lift a sad person and be the ignition for turning them around, and maybe their lives with it, but mostly, show your love because its a really kind habit to get into for yourself and the people you encounter. Besides, John Lennon & Paul McCartney said it’s all you need, and I believe them.

Be Kind – Sean

Seattle, We Have A Problem…

I saw a story a day or so ago that left me a little bewildered. It seems that many cities have now legislated against feeding the poor and homeless. So if you woke up on the wrong side of a successful life and can also toss in a dose of mental illness, its very likely you could be one of those poor folks, homeless and living from day to day on what it is you can salvage or save from trash dumpsters and the like.  The fact that cities have decided that they should legislate against assisting these people is unconscionable to me because we’re in the the United States, the land of plenty and the first country to respond to crises everywhere else in the world. We help everyone, everywhere. Why are homelessness and hunger the problems they are?

Seattle is not alone, they are just the latest big city to attempt to take the good in the hearts of people, and tell them they are forbidden from helping a fellow man, woman, or child, unless they wish to face legal ramifications. Chicago and Philadelphia have tried similar legislation as well, but in each case aid organizations and some well placed legal help backed the mayors up against a wall and threatened civil disobedience to continue the mission. The mayors and lawmakers have their reasons of course. They are hoping to keep the homeless safe or they wish to keep the city parks or public places clean. All wonderful reasons except they’re complete bullsh*t. What they’re trying to do is move the problem somewhere else where we don’t have to see the desperation in their eyes or smell the loss of property on their person. Because, and lets be perfectly honest here, its uncomfortable to see people wanting and in need. It really makes you feel bad for them, for yourself for having anything… Its probably better to not see it so you can still feel good about everything without them getting in the way.

I’m here to say that this can not be allowed in any city. We’re the United F’n States of F’n America! it is shameful that we can not acknowledge our problems with our own citizens who are down and out. They are not feeling entitled and looking for a free ride, they are good people who had bad breaks, made bad decisions, or are mentally damaged and we are letting them rot because it makes us feel bad to see it. Its a very thin line between success and failure, but its there none the less. Whats more troubling though is that lawmakers are trying to legislate against kindness. I guess kindness, which is a major tenet of every religion on earth is not a tenet of municipal government. Those of us who believe in kindness as something good to do for others and for ourselves must stand up and make our voices heard. We can’t allow public officials to lie when they are looking to create an image that’s more comfortable for their communities to handle.

Sometimes the truth hurts, or is uncomfortable to see, but if its that bad, we can do something about it. We can reach down to that place in our soul or our heart and we can decide to help. Sometimes it takes physical discomfort to empathize with others. We can serve at a shelter, work with a charity group to deliver blankets or warm clothes, or just help by talking to people and recognizing their humanity, but what we can’t do is let government of any form tell us we can’t behave in a kind manner to our fellow human beings. God, Yahweh, Allah, Shiva, Buddha, Gaia, names we invoke in our prayers, put kindness in our hearts. Let’s not let a politician legislate it out of our consciousness.

A New Hope

With homage to George Lucas, I’m borrowing his subtitle from Episode IV of Star Wars, because today 12-22-12 offers all of us a new hope. We’re still here. Alive, well and pretty much doing what we did the day before again, but that’s a choice not a sentence and I’m going to get right back to that point.

See it turns out after years of worry for some people, or wonder for others, the Mayans were wrong. Well, they were right in a sense, their calender did end and if they were here today, they would start a new one. But we didn’t experience a polar shift, deadly solar flares, fire raining from the sky, or a zombie apocalypse. You could make the argument that Eagles coach Andy Reid is a zombie. He’s been a dead man coaching since November and if you’ve heard him at a press conferences, then you know this guy is a zombie. And his play calling? Maybe that makes sense if you’re undead, but not if you’re among the living.

But let me get back to my point. Our lives continue and the world goes on, but are we going to live today and tomorrow like the yesterdays before it? We don’t have to, because its a choice not a sentence and that’s my point. Whether we thought the world was going to end or not, yesterday for good or for ill is gone, so how are we going to live today? Right now. Do we go to bed leaving our families, our communities, the world better than we found it? Do we see the face of our creator in all of his or her horrible disguises, as Mother Teresa used to speak of, and do we recognize the divinity of the person before us?

Today I have a new hope. I hope the first day of a new Mayan calender, which is supposed to be a time of peace and enlightenment, actually is. I hope every small act of kindness I perform or write about pushes us closer to a critical mass where kindness transforms itself from tenets we hear as children, to a natural behavior without reminders.  Kindness is within all of us. The news and politicians tell us otherwise, but we are kind and like the winter solstice, darkness, which envelopes us from time to time eventually gives way to more light each and every day.

So today as the light grows I have a new hope. Today I hope I recognize humanity not just in my friends, but in the people who are not so pleasant to deal with. I hope that I find chances to spread kindness in small ways and if the opportunity presents itself, large ways too. I hope that by doing that, I can affect a positive change in the people around me and spread kindness like a healing salve and that others will take the time and effort to do the same. Its not that hard to do either. creating cold fusion from the atom is hard. Being nice, honoring the humanity in the people we meet is on the whole pretty easy. Who knows, if the Mayans were right we might just have begun a whole new epoch where this will be the norm, and if the Mayans were wrong, or it was all just a bunch of mistranslated Pre-Columbian graffiti, then maybe we can start our own period of peace and enlightenment, one kind act at a time.

Be Kind  – Sean