What is the kindest profession? I know about the most dangerous (Alaskan Crab Fisherman), the most reviled (petroleum industry lobbyist), most lucrative (Fortune 500 CEO), even the oldest (farming… [farming isn’t the oldest? Come on now. Hunter/gatherer was a necessity, but farming was chosen. It was the basis of a civilization. It was… Really, that was the oldest??? I mean I suppose it doesn’t require tools like farming did, which is true. And I guess you might build a structure around your work space, which would lead to more structures, and eventually a village or city, an economy based in building or servicing that village or city, manufacturing of sorts some sorts, Farmers would then emerge seeing a need to sell or barter their extra grain, or items harvested to people in line who were too busy waiting to work for themselves, and of course the workers themselves… Okay, I’m sold. Prostitution it is]), but what is the kindest profession?
Recently, My wife and I were helping her cousin and her family, as they wittnessed her elderly Aunt “transition” through the end of her life at a local hospital.
“Transition” is a great euphemism isn’t it? It implies filling out some paperwork with the nice person from HR who knows exactly what to write on every line, (don’t forget to rollover your heavenly 401K) and a smooth sterile jump from one place of work to another. Someone else even handles getting the movers for you. Sweet!
Those of us who’ve been through it know it’s not “transition”, it’s “dying”. It’s not sterile, it’s watching a loved one in a critical state, covered in sensors and filled with tubes to respirate, eliminate, and medicate. It’s a raw, painful, visceral experience. Most of us who’ve been through it, still don’t know exactly what to say, but we hope just by showing up we provide some relief and support, hence our presence.
Looking around the room, it was a scene of profound grief. A husband of 64 years trying to say good-bye to half of himself. A daughter who was as close to her mother, as close could be. A son-in-law who had lost his own mother at a very young age, and in her, found a mother he knew for 40 years with never a cross word between them. Three grandchildren who loved and adored her were also there, along with her niece and myself, who enjoyed our regular visits and dinners, as a link to a time gone by, when families lived near each other and got together at every opportunity.
By nature I’m an observer. I like to be able to study something and find meaning, if only so I can create a sense of order, which might make sense only to me. And as I watched a small hospital room in ICU for the better part of 12 hours, over two days, it became clear who knew what to say, or when to remain silent and place a simple touch on someone’s shoulder, or give them permission to let down their guard and just feel every precious moment they had left with their loved one. The under rated stars of this healthcare team were the nurses.
This didn’t come to me in this instant though, as I myself had a long history from about 7 to 17 years old, of first hand experience with health care workers and being sick. Really sick, like “I have had Last Rites more than once” sick. You know you’re F’d blue when you see the priest whipping out the oil to anoint you, while talking about Alpha & Omega, your mom is crying, and you have that little voice telling you, “Hey Skip, I’m not sure what you think you’re doing here, but what you are doing here, is dying. So if you want to let go and die, do it. Otherwise start living, right now”. So in my day, I have seen a lot more health care professionals than I ever cared too. I had nurses who would come in and read a book with me when I was little, or visit with me when I was older and they knew I was feeling down. They were a critical part of me turning it around.
As I observed what they were doing, with my wife’s aunt, I began doing the math and realized we appreciate nurses on a lot of levels, but in my opinion, we miss the area they really excel in, which is kindness and compassion. Are they technicians and managers? Do they perform the jobs that I can’t imagine doing, like wound care, bed pans and vomit trays? Yes to all, but those are jobs anyone can be taught. The inherent respect for humanity and the ability to administer emotional medicine and keep it together themselves, while everyone else in the room is losing theirs is what sets them apart.
Having family surrounding a dying relative is great for the person dying, not so much for the family, because it’s invariably uncharted territory for most people. However, you need another person to be above the emotional tempest and calm the seas, because those oceans are roiling, and they should be when you’re saying goodbye to a loved one. I watched how the different nurses would just poke their heads in to check and make sure her aunt looked comfortable, or talk to her like she was still in charge of her body (which I believe she was), or the nurse that carefully traced her aunt’s hands on a piece of foam, then measured out a length of yarn from hand to hand across her body, tying it all together so her husband could still have her hands around him. Do they teach that in schools? Maybe, but only a kind and compassionate person knows when to employ it to ease suffering. Do that at the wrong time, and it’s a cheap party trick that helps no one, and looks bad to boot.
When you meet a nurse, thank them. And not just the perfunctory, “oh you’re a nurse? That’s cool, my aunt was a nurse and she was really sweet.” Put some thought and effort into it. Thank them for the people they already helped and the people they will someday help, thank them for bringing a keg of empathy and compassion to work every day, and not leaving till they shared a draught with everyone, thank them for fixing our heads, hearts and fragile neurons, but mostly, thank them for being kind & caring people who still give us their best, day in and day out, even though they’re often seeing us at our worst.
99* Ways To Be Kind 